I love you, that’a why I’m leaving.

A particular rough challenge with special needs kids is trying to go on a trip without them.  I don’t kid myself in thinking that its because I am so spectacular that they will miss me with every bone in their body.  That is true of all kids when Mommy leaves.  For kids with special needs it signifies disruption.  Their schedules will change.  Routine will change.  Daddy simply doesn’t do it the way Mommy does.  He pours more milk in the cereal or less in the cup.  He doesn’t know the hug routine for pills or the drying routine after baths.

I try to prepare them for my absence as gently as I can.  Explaining if I don’t get some alone time occasionally I might lose my ever loving mind.  I need it to be the best version of me.  I need a couple days where I hear my actual name, where no one needs me to sit on the edge of the tub and watch them poop.  Where I don’t have to stop to look at a lego creation every 5 seconds, one that looks just like every other lego creation.  Where I don’t have to explain to my pre teen daughter one more time why it is she had to grow boobs.  Where I don’t have to be the subject of all the crazy abuse my 5 yr old can dish out.

One thing I figured out a few years back is that its ok and even good to take a little selfish time for me, when so much of my time is spent on my family.  Time I happily give to them.  I know that once I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind and I don’t even feel too guilty that I am leaving my husband with two sick kids.  It’s good for him to understand my life.

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